Dear Baby,

It's been a long time since I've posted. Not a lot has happened with regards to meeting you. We had our last appointment at the clinic 6 months ago and I was booked in for a lap & dye. With lots of cock up's it's finally happening on Monday.

A lot has happened in the 6 months that's passed. I have a new job, and we moved house. I've also found a lot of peace in the last 6 months. I think i've finally accepted our situation. I've realised we may not ever get to meet you and for me, right now, that's OK. I'm able to accept. Daddy is not quite there yet though and that's why we continue down the road we've started travelling.

I've not really thought about Monday much until now and how it will affect us, but it's really starting to hit home now. Monday feels like it's the start of everything for us. 2 weeks after the op, we have our consultation to see when we start our treatment. I'm really quite emotional about it all now. I was in a really bad place 6 months ago, and although i've moved away from that since, I can see me going back there with the treatment starting.

In the meantime though, we have a lovely weekend in Windsor, courtesy of a very lovely future Auntie and we're going to make the most of it.

We haven't given up on you baby, so don't give up on us just yet. We have one chance to meet you and we have everything possible crossed that it happens for us.

Love, Mom xxx

Dear Baby,

I just posted a great big long post about what we've been up to in the last 6 months and how i'm dreading my op on Monday but it was deleted.

So yeah, Monday. Not looking forward to it. I'm starting to accept we may never meet you now and that's OK. I have peace for the first time in a long time, but am worried that once we start our treatment that will all change and i'll go back to the space I was in 6 months ago. I don't want to go back there. For all the people who said they understood, no one really did and it's a lonely place.

We have one chance coming up baby to meet you. One chance and i'm not liking our odds. How does someone like me, who wants someone like you so badly stay sane through all this?

Love, Mom xxx