Dear Baby,

Mom had an operation this week to fix a problem i've had for years. The poor recovery nurse! All I could do when I came round from the anesthetic was cry!

Since then i've had a lot of time to think which is never a good thing for me.

I'm on bed rest for a week and i've already run out of internets! Oh, and to top it all off, despite the fact we thought we'd be more fertile following the miscarriage, and really went for it, thinking this was our one shot to fall naturally, if it was ever going to happen, it was now etc. etc...... AF showed this morning.

We're into 29 months of trying for you now baby. It really should be more simple than this. We never stop hoping.

Love, Mom

What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Dear Baby,

It's been a month since my last post and sadly in that time, you left us. 3 1/2 weeks ago, you died. It's been a very difficult time for Daddy & I.

We're so angry. Angry that our treatment worked then you were taken away from us. I was pregnant for 10 short days, but in the time after I lost you, I missed you so badly. I still miss you so much it physically hurts. I miss the pains I had in my tummy as you were growing. I miss being pregnant.

We can't see a future from here with you in it. We've had all our goes on the NHS and by the time we've saved up for another go, it will probably be too late for Mommy's eggs.

I don't know where we go from here Baby. I hope you're playing with all the other babies that were gone too soon, wherever you are. Know that we loved you so, so much and will never forget you.

Love Mom x

The day we thought would never come.....

Dear Baby,

Well, today is exactly a year since we received confirmation that we had our funding for IVF. Today is also official test day (OTD) Guess what?

You're here!!!!! Well, you're not here (yet) but you're in my belly!) I'm pregnant!!!

I've got to be honest, we've known for a few days. Of course Mommy caved and tested early.

I was going to post a picture here but I can't get it off my phone :(

So, we're 4+2 today. We have a scan booked for 14th November when we will be 7+0 and we should get to see you for the first time. Maybe you'll have a little brother or sister with you and we'll have twins (heaven help us) To say i'm excited is a little bit of an understatement lol.

So Baby, you heard us, you chose us, now all we want is for you to stay with us. We SO can't wait to meet you Baby.

Love,
Mom xxx

Dear Baby(ies?)

Well, you should be well snuggled in by now both of you. Mommy is 9 days past a 2 day transfer (9dp2dt) and was lucky enough to have 2 put back! No ice babies tho sadly. This last week has been SO hard. The waiting is killing us. Did it work, did it not. All my symptoms have gone now and I tested yesterday (naughty) and nothing.

Maybe you're both late developers hey? That'd make sense - you are my beans after all.

OK, mommy has to go to work now but come on guys - snuggle deeper - we're nearly there.....

Love,
Mom x

Long time.....

Dear Baby,

It's been a long time since i've written. A lot has happened in that time, we had our first round of IVF, which as you can probably guess from the fact that i'm back, was not successful. We moved house and Mommy got a new job which is going really well.

We're now about to start round 2 of IVF. Any day now, i'll call the clinic to let them know we failed again this month and I can start the drugs. Deep joy.

I always knew IVF would be hard. I didn't ever for one second appreciate just how hard. Particularly when it doesn't work. The worst part is when everyone knows you're doing it and it doesn't work, no one knows what to say. No one contacts you. In one way it's a good thing as it gives you time to grieve. Will we tell everyone this time round? I don't know. It's something we're thinking hard about now.

People seem to have given up on it ever happening for us now and to be honest I can't blame them - sometimes, quite often lately, we feel the same. We have more good days than bad days now, certainly more good days than when we first started this journey. I guess we're accepting it may never happen for us. Let's face it, after 24 months and 33 cycles, it's unlikely now.

Your Auntie Sharon is pregnant again. After 'struggling' for 6 months. I don't mean to be mean baby, but this journey has turned me into a bitter person whose incapable of being happy for anyone now who has what we so badly want. I actually hate random strangers who walk past me with their big pregnant bellies - they probably coughed and fell pregnant. See, horrible person.

Your clothes and moses basket are in storage now. It was getting too painful to have them in the house. They're there tho in case you want to make an appearance. Who knows, you may even bring a little brother or sister with you......

Love Mom

xxx

Dear Baby,

It's been a long time since I've posted. Not a lot has happened with regards to meeting you. We had our last appointment at the clinic 6 months ago and I was booked in for a lap & dye. With lots of cock up's it's finally happening on Monday.

A lot has happened in the 6 months that's passed. I have a new job, and we moved house. I've also found a lot of peace in the last 6 months. I think i've finally accepted our situation. I've realised we may not ever get to meet you and for me, right now, that's OK. I'm able to accept. Daddy is not quite there yet though and that's why we continue down the road we've started travelling.

I've not really thought about Monday much until now and how it will affect us, but it's really starting to hit home now. Monday feels like it's the start of everything for us. 2 weeks after the op, we have our consultation to see when we start our treatment. I'm really quite emotional about it all now. I was in a really bad place 6 months ago, and although i've moved away from that since, I can see me going back there with the treatment starting.

In the meantime though, we have a lovely weekend in Windsor, courtesy of a very lovely future Auntie and we're going to make the most of it.

We haven't given up on you baby, so don't give up on us just yet. We have one chance to meet you and we have everything possible crossed that it happens for us.

Love, Mom xxx

Dear Baby,

I just posted a great big long post about what we've been up to in the last 6 months and how i'm dreading my op on Monday but it was deleted.

So yeah, Monday. Not looking forward to it. I'm starting to accept we may never meet you now and that's OK. I have peace for the first time in a long time, but am worried that once we start our treatment that will all change and i'll go back to the space I was in 6 months ago. I don't want to go back there. For all the people who said they understood, no one really did and it's a lonely place.

We have one chance coming up baby to meet you. One chance and i'm not liking our odds. How does someone like me, who wants someone like you so badly stay sane through all this?

Love, Mom xxx