Dear Baby,
Tonight i'm feeling defeatist. I'm angry. I'm angry for reasons i'm not willing to share on here. I feel like i've been taken for a mug though.
Tomorrow I have my bloods taken and i've drunk half a bottle of vodka and a glass of wine so far. I'm not sure what I think it will achieve but i'm angry and i'm drunk. For now, I guess that will do.
I have to admit, i'm not too sure how I should be dealing with this. Some days i'm sad. some i'm angry. Some days I wake up not thinking about it and those day I feel guilty. Tonight? I'm angry. Really angry.
Have I said no one knows how we feel? we're grieving but monthly. For something that doesn't happen for us.
Baby, if we found you this month, I think we'd both drop down dead in shock.
Love, Mom x
Friday, 29 October 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Dear Baby,
Finally some good news. Daddy & I have been approved for funding and have our first appointment at the fertility clinic in 2 weeks! We thought it would take much longer.
By their "targets" we have to have started treatment by the first week in February (if not before) which is really not long away at all. A huge flurry of activity before then - we're both visiting the doctor this week for more blood tests - Daddy needs 3 and Mummy needs 7! Then Mummy will likely have to have a HSG scan before anything is decided then we get to find out what treatment we'll start - all before Christmas hopefully so we can relax over that time before we start. It's all very exciting despite the figures for success not being great, they're better than we have now.
Baby, we're closer than ever to meeting you now and we can't wait.
Love, Mom x
Finally some good news. Daddy & I have been approved for funding and have our first appointment at the fertility clinic in 2 weeks! We thought it would take much longer.
By their "targets" we have to have started treatment by the first week in February (if not before) which is really not long away at all. A huge flurry of activity before then - we're both visiting the doctor this week for more blood tests - Daddy needs 3 and Mummy needs 7! Then Mummy will likely have to have a HSG scan before anything is decided then we get to find out what treatment we'll start - all before Christmas hopefully so we can relax over that time before we start. It's all very exciting despite the figures for success not being great, they're better than we have now.
Baby, we're closer than ever to meeting you now and we can't wait.
Love, Mom x
Friday, 8 October 2010
Dear Baby,
Jealousy is a terrible, terrible emotion. As is bitterness. I'm both jealous and bitter right now. I'm jealous of anyone who is pregnant, has ever been pregnant and will ever get pregnant. I'm bitter that it's taken us as long as it has and it will probably take us a lot longer and at the end of it all, we may still never have our own baby.
I'm a member of several infertility forums now and the one thing i'm sick to the back teeth of, is seeing girls on there, who already have one baby, moaning about it's been 6 months and they can't conceive another.
Big fucking deal. You have a healthy baby. If you never fall pregnant again, at least someone will still call you Mom. Or what about those trying for a boy/girl. You know what? Just give me "A" fucking baby. I don't care what colour it is as long as it's ours and it's healthy.
Daddy always wanted 2 children, but we've both said recently as long as we have one, neither of us are sure we can go through this again. It's been a hard, emotionally draining experience so far and it's only going to get worse from now on.
Mommy wasn't always this bitter baby, and when we finally get to meet you, this person will be long gone. I hope....
Love, Mom x
Jealousy is a terrible, terrible emotion. As is bitterness. I'm both jealous and bitter right now. I'm jealous of anyone who is pregnant, has ever been pregnant and will ever get pregnant. I'm bitter that it's taken us as long as it has and it will probably take us a lot longer and at the end of it all, we may still never have our own baby.
I'm a member of several infertility forums now and the one thing i'm sick to the back teeth of, is seeing girls on there, who already have one baby, moaning about it's been 6 months and they can't conceive another.
Big fucking deal. You have a healthy baby. If you never fall pregnant again, at least someone will still call you Mom. Or what about those trying for a boy/girl. You know what? Just give me "A" fucking baby. I don't care what colour it is as long as it's ours and it's healthy.
Daddy always wanted 2 children, but we've both said recently as long as we have one, neither of us are sure we can go through this again. It's been a hard, emotionally draining experience so far and it's only going to get worse from now on.
Mommy wasn't always this bitter baby, and when we finally get to meet you, this person will be long gone. I hope....
Love, Mom x
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Dear Baby,
Well, the results are in and they're not good. We've been told that it's very unlikely we'll conceive you by ourselves. Daddy's SA was much worse than last time. Our wonderful doctor has referred us to the fertility clinic and we should have an appointment within 8 weeks.
Everyone thinks this is great news. I don't have the heart to tell them it's the beginning of a very short road. Unfortunately with Daddy's results IUI is not likely to be an option for us and we would have been funded for 3 goes of that.
It's more likely our only option is IVF with ICSI - a procedure that we only get one funded go on the NHS. Not only that, but they used to freeze any embies for later transfer as part of the one cycle, but at the end of September (I can't tell you how mad I am at this) they changed it to one fresh implant and one frostie implant. All other embies will be destroyed or we'll have to pay for them to be implanted ourselves. We missed it by one fucking month (scuse Mommy's language)
Right now i'm feeling like we only have one real shot at getting to meet you. We can't afford to fund this ourselves. What happens if our one go doesn't work?
I wish I could go back to 6 months ago - we still had hope then.....
Love, Mom x
Well, the results are in and they're not good. We've been told that it's very unlikely we'll conceive you by ourselves. Daddy's SA was much worse than last time. Our wonderful doctor has referred us to the fertility clinic and we should have an appointment within 8 weeks.
Everyone thinks this is great news. I don't have the heart to tell them it's the beginning of a very short road. Unfortunately with Daddy's results IUI is not likely to be an option for us and we would have been funded for 3 goes of that.
It's more likely our only option is IVF with ICSI - a procedure that we only get one funded go on the NHS. Not only that, but they used to freeze any embies for later transfer as part of the one cycle, but at the end of September (I can't tell you how mad I am at this) they changed it to one fresh implant and one frostie implant. All other embies will be destroyed or we'll have to pay for them to be implanted ourselves. We missed it by one fucking month (scuse Mommy's language)
Right now i'm feeling like we only have one real shot at getting to meet you. We can't afford to fund this ourselves. What happens if our one go doesn't work?
I wish I could go back to 6 months ago - we still had hope then.....
Love, Mom x
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