Dear Baby, 

Yesterday I went for my second blood tests to see if the doctors can find something wrong.  Now I don't like needles at the best of times, but when the nurse stuck me four times and still couldn't get enough blood, I was ready to pass out!  I had to go back later in the afternoon for them to have another go as I just wasn't giving it up and now i'm black and blue.  Luckily, they got enough or we'd have been waiting another month as they had to be done yesterday. 

So that's me done for now, it's your dad's turn next!  

We're into our 12th 2 week wait now.  Our life is going by in measures of 2 weeks at the moment.  2 weeks until ovulation, 2 weeks until Aunt Flo inevitably arrives with all her baggage!   Only a week before we know whether you're on your way.  The last week always drags, but this time i'm determined not to do 4 tests only to find my period arrives 10 minutes after I took the last one! 

Are you ready to join us this month baby?  We hope so.

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

How do you make someone who isn't going through this understand when you can't put it into words yourself?

Infertility is a painful struggle. The pain is similar to loosing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, they aren't coming back. There is no hope that they will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. We grieve the loss of the baby that we may never know.  We grieve the loss of that baby who would have had moms nose and daddy's eyes.  Every month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all.  No matter how hard we try to prepare ourselves for bad news, we still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes, and the grief begins again.  This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened, just when it starts to heal.

We just can't explain this to people but we hope they never feel this pain themselves. 

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

Today was a difficult one.  A friend had a beautiful baby girl this morning.  Conceived a couple of months after the wedding, around the time we had hoped we might be pregnant with you.  And now she has her baby and we're not even close to getting there.  

I think i've been less maudlin this last week, mainly helped I think by the fact that I have my next appointment for bloods next week, closely followed by your dad having his spermies checked!  

We did make a decision this week though.  We're planning a big holiday next year.  Hopefully Mexico, where we honeymooned.  If you come along by then, great.  If not, we have something to look forward to before we start treatment.  

I'm talking less about all this to people now.  No one really understands.  No one we know anyway.  They look sympathetic for a moment then you can see them thinking "why is she still whinging about this"?  Shortly followed by "relax, it will happen"  THE most irritating thing in the world to say to a woman who wants a baby and it hasn't happened to.  Well meaning, I know, but they may as well tell me i'm doing something wrong, as everyime someone says it to me, that's how I feel. 

Oh, and we bought a pool!  I've spent the last few days relaxing in it in the sun.  Now if that doesn't "relax me and it'll happen" then I don't know what will!!!

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby, 

I read this poem and it really struck a cord.  It's not mine, I can't take credit for it, but it fits so well. 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

 I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. 

 Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 

 I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. 

 I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 

 I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 

 I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. 

 Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Love, Mom x 

Here we go.....

Dear Baby, 

I'm starting this blog, mainly so that when you're in your teenage years, no doubt screaming at us that we don't love you, we never wanted you, you can see how very wrong you are. 

It's also an outlet for the many, many feelings which are running around my head.  In the beginning, we never imagined your dad & I, how hard this process would be.  I guess like many others we took for granted that it would just happen.  Like it seems to for everyone else.  But here we are, 12 cycles later, still waiting.   It hasn't happened for us.  We're one of the lucky 1 in 7 that it doesn't "just happen" for.

We've tried.  We've tried so hard.  All the crazy things people advise you to do, we've done it.  And still you're not here.   So this week we went to the doctors to ask for help, and thought this would be the perfect time to document our journey. 

I'm black and blue in both arms after going for blood tests yesterday, today we got excited when the appointment came for your dad to go drop off his little swimmers at the clinic in 4 weeks.  See how exciting our life is? :-))  Maybe now we'll get some answers. 

So baby, here we go on the roller coaster that will hopefully lead us to meeting the one thing in our lives we want so badly. 

You. 

Love, Mom x