Dear Baby,

Tonight i'm feeling defeatist. I'm angry. I'm angry for reasons i'm not willing to share on here. I feel like i've been taken for a mug though.

Tomorrow I have my bloods taken and i've drunk half a bottle of vodka and a glass of wine so far. I'm not sure what I think it will achieve but i'm angry and i'm drunk. For now, I guess that will do.

I have to admit, i'm not too sure how I should be dealing with this. Some days i'm sad. some i'm angry. Some days I wake up not thinking about it and those day I feel guilty. Tonight? I'm angry. Really angry.

Have I said no one knows how we feel? we're grieving but monthly. For something that doesn't happen for us.

Baby, if we found you this month, I think we'd both drop down dead in shock.

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Finally some good news. Daddy & I have been approved for funding and have our first appointment at the fertility clinic in 2 weeks! We thought it would take much longer.

By their "targets" we have to have started treatment by the first week in February (if not before) which is really not long away at all. A huge flurry of activity before then - we're both visiting the doctor this week for more blood tests - Daddy needs 3 and Mummy needs 7! Then Mummy will likely have to have a HSG scan before anything is decided then we get to find out what treatment we'll start - all before Christmas hopefully so we can relax over that time before we start. It's all very exciting despite the figures for success not being great, they're better than we have now.

Baby, we're closer than ever to meeting you now and we can't wait.

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Jealousy is a terrible, terrible emotion. As is bitterness. I'm both jealous and bitter right now. I'm jealous of anyone who is pregnant, has ever been pregnant and will ever get pregnant. I'm bitter that it's taken us as long as it has and it will probably take us a lot longer and at the end of it all, we may still never have our own baby.

I'm a member of several infertility forums now and the one thing i'm sick to the back teeth of, is seeing girls on there, who already have one baby, moaning about it's been 6 months and they can't conceive another.

Big fucking deal. You have a healthy baby. If you never fall pregnant again, at least someone will still call you Mom. Or what about those trying for a boy/girl. You know what? Just give me "A" fucking baby. I don't care what colour it is as long as it's ours and it's healthy.

Daddy always wanted 2 children, but we've both said recently as long as we have one, neither of us are sure we can go through this again. It's been a hard, emotionally draining experience so far and it's only going to get worse from now on.

Mommy wasn't always this bitter baby, and when we finally get to meet you, this person will be long gone. I hope....

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Well, the results are in and they're not good. We've been told that it's very unlikely we'll conceive you by ourselves. Daddy's SA was much worse than last time. Our wonderful doctor has referred us to the fertility clinic and we should have an appointment within 8 weeks.

Everyone thinks this is great news. I don't have the heart to tell them it's the beginning of a very short road. Unfortunately with Daddy's results IUI is not likely to be an option for us and we would have been funded for 3 goes of that.

It's more likely our only option is IVF with ICSI - a procedure that we only get one funded go on the NHS. Not only that, but they used to freeze any embies for later transfer as part of the one cycle, but at the end of September (I can't tell you how mad I am at this) they changed it to one fresh implant and one frostie implant. All other embies will be destroyed or we'll have to pay for them to be implanted ourselves. We missed it by one fucking month (scuse Mommy's language)

Right now i'm feeling like we only have one real shot at getting to meet you. We can't afford to fund this ourselves. What happens if our one go doesn't work?

I wish I could go back to 6 months ago - we still had hope then.....

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

The first news is that Mommy is now 10 days into giving up smoking for you! Willpower only. I haven't touched a cigarette since Monday 20th September and i'm doing good. I think this time i've cracked it. Watch this space.

In other news Daddy's second SA reults are back. We haven't got them yet, the doctor wasn't in today so we'll call tomorrow to book an appointment. I'm very aprehensive now as this is it - this is where we find out what options we have. It is good in that whatever the news, at least we know and we can deal with it but still.....it's very scary.

Mommy has ovulated according to her chart. I'm not convinced to be honest - I took a lot of herbal pills this month and again, I don't think it did me any favours. That'll learn me! Ahh well, we'll see.

I am now the proud owner of a CBFM (Clear Blue Fertility Monitor) sent to me by one of my TTC buddies (who by the way is now almost 4 months pregnant! :angrysmiley:) Yes, yes, I know I have a monitor already, but whats one more stick to pee on in the morning right? I tried saying no thanks but she just wanted to help. As does everyone. It didn't hurt me to say yes and thank you and probably made her feel a whole heap better.

Meh.

I said to Daddy last night, I just want to stop with the temperatures and peeing on sticks and sex on demand. If the doctor tells us we won't do it ourselves and we need help then finally we can stop all this - knowing it won't make any difference. Until we're told tho, we'll just keep on hoping and trying.

Love, Mom x

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has travelled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.


So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.


Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"


After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."


"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.


It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marvelling about each trip.


Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also travelled by sea rather than air.


People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: travelling by sea is so easy."


You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

Dear Baby,

It's been a while since i've posted but nothing's been happening. Here we are on CD1 (again) and now we're feeling desperate is the only way I can describe it. I had a little cry before work this morning and am teary now.

One week to go until your Daddy's SA and then 2 more weeks until we get the results. We're in limbo until then really. 16, well timed cycles and nada. Nothing. Not even one second feint line. I don't know what we're doing wrong. Even Daddy said last night he's beginning to think it'll never happen for us.

We're going all out this month now. Mummy's stoped drinking, will be stopping smoking in the next few days and daddy's also giving up drinking and his one cup of caffine a day (as well as chocolate, poor love lol). I'll be taking Evening Primrose Oil, Soya Isoflavones, Black Cohosh, Agnus Castus, Liquorice and pregnacare from this cycle on. We just don't know what else to do....

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Another month, another fail. Cycle Day one here again, the witch has flown in. I'm starting to really give up and feel like we'll never get to meet you now. There's obviously something wrong somewhere after 15 well timed attempts and not one being successful.

Still, now that she's here, i'll get my bloods done again tomorrow morning and Daddy has his sperm checks in just over a month then hopefully by the middle of October, we'll have all results back and will know what steps we need to take next.

In things to look forward to, we have our first wedding anniversary on Monday and then on Thursday we're going camping for 5 days! Pray the weather holds for us baby?

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

This hasn't been a good week for us. Since I heard my friends news, i've gone to bed crying and woken up crying every day. I even cried on the bus on the way to work.

She can't understand why i'm not being supportive. How do I explain to her that everytime I think about having to watch her grow bigger I feel actual pain? She has what I can't have and I want it so badly. I'm even jealous of her morning sickness! What would I give to have that? I'd give up everything we own right now.

I can't hide it from her and why should I? She's my friend. If I can't be honest with her then who? But she really doesn't understand and is feeling hurt. I don't know what to do.

Love, Mom xxx

Dear Baby,

Well, you guessed it. We didn't manage it this month. Onto try number 15. It's getting wearying now. I'm starting to loose all hope and I know your daddy is getting down about it all too.

We have your Daddy's next sperm test date through - 23rd September. Feels like ages away. We won't get the results through until October now.

It's getting harder to write on here as the time goes on. I feel like i'm repeating myself. I want to be positive but each month that passes, it gets harder.

Baby, we want you now more than ever, but every day that passes leaves us feeling you're further away....

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

I'm sorry I haven't posted recently. It's hard. It's really hard.

This month we really thought we'd done it. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. It's not that easy tho is it?

I've had all the symptoms. My body is really starting to play tricks on me. Part of me thinks this is it, the other half of me thinks it'll never happen. 12 DPO today and I tested. BFN, but found out afterwards the test I took wasn't sensitive enough. I could give it a few days but really, after 14 cycles, what's the point? We haven't managed it so far so what makes me think we've done it this time?

Baby, we're beginning to give up on you .....

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Well, the results are in. It looks like we're both broken :-( Mummy has low quality and or low quantity eggs and is not ovulating all the time and Daddy has only 7% good swimmers. The other 93% have either no head or no tail. So if any of the 7% actually make it up there, there's no egg or a poor quality one for them to fertilise.

We're being sent for re tests, but if they come back the same, it's unlikely we'll manage this on our own.

So here we go with more waiting. 3 more months until we get the results back. You're not gonna make this easy for us are you?

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Its been a while since I've written. Lots of things going on but nothing much in the world of trying to "meet" you.

The witch is visiting currently - not a surprise really given the timing of your Daddy's tests. We really weren't hopeful this month, which made it easier and I haven't cried! (or wasted 3 tests - none in fact as the witch was 3 days earlier than expected!) Speaking of which, we're booked in to get the results on Wednesday next week. We phoned the doctors today to make sure the results are back - they are. All the receptionist would say is that the doctor needs to see us and there is a re-test needed.

All this time i've wanted them to find something (small) wrong and now that's a possibility, I have really mixed feelings.

On the one hand if it is a problem, they can fix it surely? On the other - what if they can't. Where do we go then? What are our options? I really can't think about that right now.

Baby, if you could choose a time to show yourself - the next 2 weeks would be a really good time.

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Not much to report really. I haven't forgotten about you though. We're doing everything we can to bring you to us.

We love you already.

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby,

Disaster! We've worked out that your daddys sperm tests are due right in the middle of my fertile time! This would be great except he has to "abstain" for 3-5 days prior!!!

I think we're out for this month and onto cycle 14 :-(

Will we EVER get to meet you?

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby, 

Well here we go on cycle 13 (lucky for some!) with renewed vigour!  

My baby making cocktail now consists of the following: 1 pregnacare, 1 evening primrose oil until OV and 1.5 soy isoflavones on CD3-7.  

The soy is the one i'm excited about, it's supposed to mimic clomid, which is the drug we'll likely be given by the docs if all our tests come back clear next month.  I've researched into it and it won't do any harm so i'm giving it a go.  77% of women who were having difficulty, conceived on their first cycle with it so i'm hopeful.  I took my first dose last night (taking it at night to try and ward off some of the more unwelcome side effects - nausea, hot flushes and mood swings!)

Daddy isn't left out either.  He's been moved from normal vitamins to conception vitamins for men which he was overjoyed at.  Only kidding.  Your daddy has been extremely supportive throughout all this.  Most men would have run away by now with the extremes i'm going to but he's still here, rooting for us.  He wants to meet you as much as I do. 

In other news, although we're incredibly sad that you're not here yet, we're trying to take a step back and appreciate the good things in our lives.  Our friends are a huge part of that.  You have lots of honourary Aunties and Uncles who are also being incredibly supportive and can't wait to meet you. 

Come on baby, don't make us wait any longer.   

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

So you're not ready to come join us just yet?  Aunt flo (AF, aka the witch) flew in yesterday morning with a vengance.  It's almost as if it's taunting me each month.  Lets take a look at what you could've won!

Yesterday wasn't a good one for me for that reason.  It was spent crying or mooching around the house, mainly because I was convinced that the 12th cycle would be it.  We couldn't have timed everything more perfect.  Still, here we go now onto our 13th try.  Your daddy says 13 has always been lucky for him...... 

We're giving something new a try this month.  Theres a herbal drug you can get that mimics one of the fertility drugs so we've ordered some.  Aparrently on one site, 77% of women who tried it got their BFP (big fat positive) in the first month.  Those odds are good enough for me.  The only downside (yeah, right) is it can increase our chances of a multiple birth.  Ah well. Lol.  

This month baby, are you ready yet?  We are.

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

Let me start by saying, if you're in there, and you've hung on through all the drugs i've had to take this week then you're a fighter!  Mommy's been quite ill this week with a nasty condition which thankfully seems to be clearing up now thanks to 3 types of antibiotics and strong painkillers. 

I got my results back from the first fertility blood tests and they appear to be fine.  One down, one to go then it's Daddy's turn (hehehe) 

You'd think the doctors would know what they're talking about wouldn't you, but a couple of things have happened recently which has made me realise this isn't always the case.  The first was my GP telling me to stop taking my temperature and charting every day, which according to someone i've been talking to who had fertility treatment is totally wrong.  She was advised the same thing by her GP but didn't stop.  When she was finally referred to the nice man at the fertility clinic, he told her thank goodness she didn't stop or he'd have sent her away for 3 months whilst she gathered data!  So tomorrow, out comes the thermometer and monitor and I get to wake up stupidly early again every morning to take my temperature and then pee on a stick to see if my body is behaving this month.  If i'm honest, I quite like knowing what's going on, I feel more in control. 

The other incidence was this week when I went to the hospital about the pain I was in.  The nurse asked if I could be pregnant.  I said I bloody hoped so after all this time so she said she'd test me.  I explained to her it would be too early but she asked a few questions and said it would be fine.  Anyone who'se trying for a baby as hard as we are, knows that implantation doesn't take place until at least 7-10 DPO (days past ovulation).  At the time I was only roughly 6-9 DPO.  So she tests and it's negative (of course) and I get all upset again.  Silly woman!  

Never mind, I get to test properly in a few days if the witch stays away (be gone Aunt Flo, you're not welcome in this house!).  Not that i'm SS'ing (symptom spotting) at all (oh come on - I wouldn't be a true infertile if I didn't symptom spot every single month!) but this months symptoms include enhanced sense of smell and i'm right off tea and coffee all of a sudden.  New symptoms for me.  Anyone who knows me knows i'm a tea belly, although since I gave up caffine for you I haven't enjoyed it quite as much.

Anyway, i'll be back in a few days - hopefully with the news that you're on your way, but if not, to rant and rave at how unfair it all is and come up with a new plan of attack.  

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

Yesterday I went for my second blood tests to see if the doctors can find something wrong.  Now I don't like needles at the best of times, but when the nurse stuck me four times and still couldn't get enough blood, I was ready to pass out!  I had to go back later in the afternoon for them to have another go as I just wasn't giving it up and now i'm black and blue.  Luckily, they got enough or we'd have been waiting another month as they had to be done yesterday. 

So that's me done for now, it's your dad's turn next!  

We're into our 12th 2 week wait now.  Our life is going by in measures of 2 weeks at the moment.  2 weeks until ovulation, 2 weeks until Aunt Flo inevitably arrives with all her baggage!   Only a week before we know whether you're on your way.  The last week always drags, but this time i'm determined not to do 4 tests only to find my period arrives 10 minutes after I took the last one! 

Are you ready to join us this month baby?  We hope so.

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

How do you make someone who isn't going through this understand when you can't put it into words yourself?

Infertility is a painful struggle. The pain is similar to loosing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, they aren't coming back. There is no hope that they will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. We grieve the loss of the baby that we may never know.  We grieve the loss of that baby who would have had moms nose and daddy's eyes.  Every month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all.  No matter how hard we try to prepare ourselves for bad news, we still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes, and the grief begins again.  This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened, just when it starts to heal.

We just can't explain this to people but we hope they never feel this pain themselves. 

Love, Mom x 

Dear Baby, 

Today was a difficult one.  A friend had a beautiful baby girl this morning.  Conceived a couple of months after the wedding, around the time we had hoped we might be pregnant with you.  And now she has her baby and we're not even close to getting there.  

I think i've been less maudlin this last week, mainly helped I think by the fact that I have my next appointment for bloods next week, closely followed by your dad having his spermies checked!  

We did make a decision this week though.  We're planning a big holiday next year.  Hopefully Mexico, where we honeymooned.  If you come along by then, great.  If not, we have something to look forward to before we start treatment.  

I'm talking less about all this to people now.  No one really understands.  No one we know anyway.  They look sympathetic for a moment then you can see them thinking "why is she still whinging about this"?  Shortly followed by "relax, it will happen"  THE most irritating thing in the world to say to a woman who wants a baby and it hasn't happened to.  Well meaning, I know, but they may as well tell me i'm doing something wrong, as everyime someone says it to me, that's how I feel. 

Oh, and we bought a pool!  I've spent the last few days relaxing in it in the sun.  Now if that doesn't "relax me and it'll happen" then I don't know what will!!!

Love, Mom x

Dear Baby, 

I read this poem and it really struck a cord.  It's not mine, I can't take credit for it, but it fits so well. 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

 I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. 

 Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. 

 I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. 

 I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. 

 I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 

 I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. 

 Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Love, Mom x 

Here we go.....

Dear Baby, 

I'm starting this blog, mainly so that when you're in your teenage years, no doubt screaming at us that we don't love you, we never wanted you, you can see how very wrong you are. 

It's also an outlet for the many, many feelings which are running around my head.  In the beginning, we never imagined your dad & I, how hard this process would be.  I guess like many others we took for granted that it would just happen.  Like it seems to for everyone else.  But here we are, 12 cycles later, still waiting.   It hasn't happened for us.  We're one of the lucky 1 in 7 that it doesn't "just happen" for.

We've tried.  We've tried so hard.  All the crazy things people advise you to do, we've done it.  And still you're not here.   So this week we went to the doctors to ask for help, and thought this would be the perfect time to document our journey. 

I'm black and blue in both arms after going for blood tests yesterday, today we got excited when the appointment came for your dad to go drop off his little swimmers at the clinic in 4 weeks.  See how exciting our life is? :-))  Maybe now we'll get some answers. 

So baby, here we go on the roller coaster that will hopefully lead us to meeting the one thing in our lives we want so badly. 

You. 

Love, Mom x